That day was the worst day of my entire life and I am not just saying that for effect or shock value. It was a really really dark time and the aftermath of my choice took me years to climb out from under.
The procedure was extremely painful. I had no idea how painful it would be because that part was hidden from me. It was explained in cut and dry terms and there was no mention of emptiness, desolation or the pain you experience. The cramping afterwards was worse than any cramping I had ever experienced and can last several hours, even days afterward. There was a temporary relief because I thought it was over with, but that was quickly replaced by a black hole of emptiness that took over. Abortion is a death of someone and part of you dies with them. However, I wasn’t allowed to grieve openly, especially because I had hidden my choice. So I tried to bury it and go on with life, but it resurfaced again taking on the forms of depression, anger, feelings of total worthlessness, fear, even thoughts of suicide.
We miss important truths during our ferocious arguments about whether or not women have a “right to choose”. 98% of abortion is due to personal choice. 65% of that is due to outside pressure, from our boyfriends, spouses, families, or friends. People skew the debate, arguing over the health of the mother or in the case of rape, but I am giving you statistics that you can check from abortion providers themselves, because they post them. Only 1.7% of abortions occur because of the health of the mother and only .3% of rape victims choose abortion. Point .3% of the total abortions!
About a year and a half later, I was having a hard time even getting myself out of bed in the morning. I honestly didn’t think I could go on with life, the pain was so bad inside that I wanted to die. I can’t imagine the number of women who have suffered through the choice of this procedure and still are carrying feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness around inside of them. There have been 50 million abortions since Roe vs. Wade legalized abortion in 1973, and yet people are so proud of this, like it was progress. You want to tell me that wanting to die is progress or hope of a better life?
Well, God’s will for my life wasn’t to give up and die. He wanted to help me! I had a small ray of light during that time. I was living with roommates and one of them had a framed verse that hung on our wall and it captured my attention. I read it over and over. It was 1 Peter 1:18-19, “Forasmuch as you know that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold, from your vain conversation received by tradition from your fathers; But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot.” Ok, so I knew I was redeemed from the stuff that I had gone through, but I was crying out to the Lord during that time. I was a Christian, but I felt something was missing and that made me angry. Jesus said that He came to give life and to give life abundantly. But I wasn’t experiencing life abundantly. I knew God couldn’t lie, but then why couldn’t I seem to find that life abundant that He promised?
The Lord was faithful to show me where He wanted me to go from there. He brought me to places where my daughter and I were shown love and I was getting understanding from Him about the truth of His word. It was steadily healing me. I was able to go through a post-abortion recovery group at a local crisis pregnancy center and I received even more healing and peace. Once I asked God when it was just me and Him, God! WHY did you let me get thrown to the wolves? Why did you leave me alone through all of that!??? And that very day, on the other side of town, my good friend was getting a word from The Lord saying, “Tell Kim I have not abandoned her!” That night, she showed me Psalm 94:14, “The Lord will not reject His people; He will not abandon His special possession.” And she told me what The Lord had told her that afternoon. I was floored. I hadn’t expressed how I felt about thinking God left me alone or told anyone that’s what I said to God. But He heard me and He answered me and from that time on I have never doubted God’s love for me or His care, even during other really hard things in my life.
Isaiah 61 says “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me for the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the Lord’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies. To all who mourn, He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory.”
I am honored to share my story with you. It’s for God’s glory, not mine. If you have gone through a similar experience I pray God’s blessing, peace and healing for you in The Blessed Name of Jesus. He is able to give you beauty for ashes and joy for mourning.
One last thing I want to share. After I went through the post-abortion study I was able to name my baby. I didn’t think that I had a right to name him before, but I asked the Lord what I would have had and I believe my baby was a little boy. I named him Galen Malachi, which means calm message. This post is dedicated to him and this is my calm message to you to choose life.